Grief at three years

8.01.2014

Yesterday marked three years since my Mom died from glioblastoma brain cancer.  Grief is bizarre.  The pain, the waves of devastating sadness that crash over your head pulling you under, do begin to cease.  They become less frequent and less intense.  They do.

It doesn't mean that I am "over it" or I don't miss her.  The loss just becomes less... sharp.

Three years into this grief process, I am still struck by the magnitude of the loss.  A couple times a year, situations will arise in my life where I need my Mom.  I need advice or help or guidance.  I don't know that I ever would have been done learning from my Mom but I am quite sure that I wasn't done yet.

The other crater that has been left in my life is the sense of "home".  I don't have a "home" any more.  It died with my Mom.  This hole in my life is compounded by the fact that, as a military family, no where is ever "home" for us anyways with the threat of moving looming over our heads at every turn.  With my Mom not around to maintain "home base" for us in Orange County, I don't have a place to go "home" to.  It is sad.  It is a loss.

I still don't feel like I can accurately put my loss into words.  It has impacted my life in some very obvious ways but also in some ways that I don't really even fully understand yet.  It affects the way I parent my kids, the partner I am to my husband, and the goals and daily way of life that I have established for my family.

I am a good Mom to my kids because I had a good Mom.  When I start to go down the grief rabbit hole, I try to focus on that.  I know how to love my kids because of the way my Mom loved us girls.  I can only dream of being the kind of woman that she was.  Three years into this hellish process and while the intensity of the loss might have lost some of it's sting, the enormity of the loss hasn't.


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Fitness post: A month down

7.30.2014

We have almost made it through the month of July.  That means that I have been intentional about running and working out for almost exactly one month.  I made a goal at the beginning of the month to run 50 miles in July.  I am going to make it.
I can't run today so I will finish up the last 5 miles tomorrow morning.  I had intended to do my weekly "long run" yesterday but I got to the gym and realized that I forgot to put on deodorant so that plan went out the door.  I am a lot of things but "stinky girl" at the gym is not one of them.

I have been reporting for the past month that I haven't lost any weight.  Well, remember that I got really sick last week?  I lost 6 pounds from the illness.  I gained two back right away but the other four are staying away.  That puts me right back at my pre-pregnancy, pre-wtf where did these couple pounds come from from weight.
left: today                            right: 1 month ago

I've mentioned it before but my problem area is my hips/saddle bags/ thighs.  Here is a picture of my fat parts.  See any difference?!

My miles for August is 60 miles.  I plan on doing longer runs, obviously, to get ready for the half marathon so, 60 miles should (in theory) be totally do-able.

How did you do this week?  Did you keep up with your goals?

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Why laundry doesn't bother me. And why it shouldn't bother you either

7.28.2014

As the day progresses, the laundry baskets fill.  Every day there is sorting and washing, drying and folding, sorting and putting it all back in everybody's closets.  It is a never ending process.... And get behind a day or two?!?  Expect to spend the afternoon repeating the process.

But I don't mind.

Why?

Full laundry baskets are a sign of a busy and full life.  My kids play outside and get dirty so the mud covered, grass streaked clothes go into the basket.  My husband and I both exercise our bodies most days so our stinky, sweaty gym clothes help fill the basket.  During the day, I feed the kids lots of fresh fruit that drips down the front of their sweet faces and onto their previously clean shirts so those shirts get tossed into the basket.  Eva goes to her dance class so add her tiny leotard and tutu to the basket.  The kids decide to run through the sprinklers so those wet clothes get tossed into the basket.  The hand towels from wiping spills and messes and meals go into the basket.  The bath towels that help dry my kids bodies after baths and swimming in the sun get tossed into the basket.

This is why laundry doesn't bother me.  At the end of a long day my full laundry basket is a reflection of our full lives.  We are busy.  We play hard.  We live full lives.  And for that, I can be thankful: even in a full basket of dirty laundry.


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More little things

7.25.2014

I have been desperately sick for the past two days.  Not like, "I'm going to IG a pic of myself in bed, curled up under the covers, with a cup of tea" sick but really, really sick.  My husband had to take off work because I was physically unable to get out of bed.  I tested positive for strep and started antibiotics so hopefully I am on the mend.

With everything going on, it's important to remember the little things that make it all worthwhile...


It's the little things: Learning new skills
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It's the little things: Long days at the park.  I am so grateful to spend my days with my children.  There really is no place that I would rather be.
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It's the little things: Visiting barns in order to pick a place for Eva to start riding.  We are fortunate to be in a situation that allows her to pursue riding and I am excited to watch her grow in this passion.
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It's the little things: Quality time with my best friend.
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It's the little things: A little green tea "pick me up" at the end of a long day with the kids.  
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It's the little things: A Dad who is willing to read the her bedtime story every, single night.  



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Pushing it

7.23.2014

Another successful fitness weeks in the books.  On Friday last week I did an hour of the Tap Out legs and butt video.  I have never been so sore.  I could barely sit down for two days.  Then Monday I got in my longest run yet.  7.5 miles no stoppies, and no resties.  It was an average 9.42minutes/mile.
{7.5 miles in less than 73 minutes}
I ran a quick two miles the next day to stretch out my legs because I AM SORE.  My whole body hurts.  I guess my body wasn't ready to push out 7.5 miles yet, but I have to push because....

WE PICKED OUR HALF MARATHON DATE!  October 18, 2014 Baltimore Running Festival 

I am a little scared because I can barely walk after running 7.5 miles and that is about HALF of the total distance for the race.  AHHHH!  Despite my trepidation, it feels good to have a goal set and to be successful in working towards it.
My body still doesn't seem to be tightening up much.  I haven't lost any weight still.  I know that it is because my diet still consists of primarily white starches and ice cream but ugh, it is frustrating none-the-less.
My husband and I both need new running shoes.  I need to do some research.  Any tips for good running shoes?  

How's your fitness gone for the last week?

Cheers to another healthier week!

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Starting off right

7.21.2014


Right now I'm thankful for...
* Busy days- (I'm running from Eva's ballet class straight to the gym, and then straight to the library for a story time).  I'm grateful that I am in a position to keep my kids happy and engaged and learning.

* Healthy kids- I've been reflecting a lot about how LUCKY I am that my kids are healthy after spending the day in the hospital and watching Nate come out from being under anesthesia. It was horrible.  I cannot imagine the horror of dealing with a seriously sick child. 

* Balance- My life has felt very balanced lately. I've been working out "enough", my kids are engaged in "enough" activities, my house is clean "enough", I'm getting "enough" sleep, I'm working "enough"... It feels balanced. 

What are you thankful for today?

Run Forrest!

7.17.2014

This week in fitness...  I got a couple (read that as two) really good runs in and the rest of this week was spent taking care of my sick kids.

Saturday I went with my husband and ran around Fort Meade with the running group from his work.  These people run every morning together.  B told me after we were already committed to going that they'd probably do about 5 miles... Cue instant terror.  I am slow and only run in the comfort of a well air-conditioned indoor space.  We get there and all of them are over 6 foot tall and look like they run marathons in their sleep.  I did it though.  We did 4.5 miles in the sweltering Maryland late morning heat with an average 9 and a half minute mile.  I didn't walk and I didn't throw up.  They only had to turn back to fall back and run with me a half dozen times or so.  A success in my book.

With a new found appreciation for running indoors, on Monday I got into the gym and knocked out 6 miles in right under 60 minutes.  With no hesitation I can say that running 6 miles on the treadmill was easier than the 4.5 that I did outside a couple days prior but if I want to do a half marathon in the fall, I guess I need to get used to running outdoors.
As far as losing weight is going, the total weight loss to this point is a grand total of ZERO pounds.  Clearly my eating habits are not improving.  I also think my metabolism is "stuck" too- just from a lifetime of being on a "sort of" diet.
I meant to post this yesterday since I am trying to post my fitness recaps on Wednesdays every week but my kids are sick.  The baby is doing fine after his surgery on Tuesday.  He is a bit sore and grumpy but dang kids are resilient.  He is more upset about the fact that he is stuck in onsies to keep him from walking around holding onto his wiener than anything else.  Even when I change his diaper, he doesn't seem upset about the fact that his new little wiener looks like it went through a meat grinder.  Eva has had a 102+ temperature for two days that wrecked more havoc on the household than anything else.  Luckily, this morning everyone is looking a little healthier and there is at least 30% less whining so far.  Score. 

Cheers to another healthier week!


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