I've mentioned that I've been stressed for the past few weeks for a whole host of reasons but there's one reason that I haven't mentioned.
Nate is having surgery (again) tomorrow. He is having tubes put in his ears to alleviate the fluid backup pressure.
Yes, I know this is a very common procedure. Yes, I know there is very little down time and little risk. Yes, I know that he'll feel so much better. Yes, I know that this is considered "nothing" compared to his last surgery... Let me reassure you that this does little to ease my Momma heart. My tiny boy is being put "under" (abeit "just" the gas and not full anesthesia this time) for the second time this summer and I'm worried and I'm stressed.
There are concerns about his ability to hear and he had testing done yesterday with less than normal results. He will be tested again a few weeks after the surgery and hopefully the fluid pressure behind the ear drum is the reason that he isn't able to hear normally. They can't say that it is the cause of the diminished hearing but we are all crossing our fingers.
I counted up how many doctor appointments I've been to from July 1st through yesterday... 21. Twenty one doctor visits in 2 months and a week. Between his surgery consults, follow ups, specialists, and vaccinations appointments, we have seen doctors and specialists twenty one times in the past two months. You should see him at the doctor office. He's a total pro. He sits like a statue as they poke and prod in his ears and nose and listen to his chest and belly. He has the routine down pat. I'm ready for my little boy to get a break from getting poked and prodded.
I'm excited to get the procedure over with so he can have some relief. The specialists can't believe that he is generally asymptomatic (few infections, no crankiness, no fevers), beyond the diminished hearing considering the level of pressure they tested at the eardrum. But being excited for his potential relief does not do much to quell my anxiety.
Currently I am...
drinking my morning coffee on the couch... The calm before the day's storm.
thinking that today is going to be a long day. We have three doctor appointments today to attend.
hoping that the baby's cold that he woke up with this morning isn't going to affect his surgery on Friday (more on that tomorrow)
reading... Nothing. We need to make another library visit tomorrow hopefully.
thankful for my kids smiling faces. They're wrestling on the ground at my feet and giggling while screeching "Tickle! Tickle! Tickle". Pure joy.
dreaming of time alone. I just want to get my hair done. Every time I look in the mirror, I'm reminded that I look like a homeless person.
looking forward to our vacation in T minus 10 days. Outer banks North Carolina, here we come.
missing my sisters. I hate not having my sisters around. I miss their babies. I hate that I don't know them. Like really know them.
excited about the dress I bought for the husbands graduation next week. It's so cute and I bought a matching-ish one for Eva. Apparently now I'm "that Mom"- the one who wears matching clothes with her four year old. I can't help it. They're so cute.
Do you ever wake up and just feel... Overwhelmed? There's no specific reason for my stress this morning but just an accumulation of everything we have going on. I'm just feeling blah. I'm sick and tired of solo parenting. I'm sick and tired of my husband being gone. I'm sick and tired of my kid being sick and requiring scary medical procedures. I'm sick and tired of feeling disappointed with certain relationships in my life. I'm sick and tired of the Mom routine of cleaning, cooking, wiping butts, and breaking up fights over and over and over.
I feel like I need time by myself. I need a new hobby or something- something that is mine. I need a couple hours to get my hair done. My roots are so long and my hair feels like straw but I don't have anyone to help me get a break.
So, now that I've been a lame complainer, I need to get back to being grateful for all that I have.
my babies, my health, my home, husbands job, education, Bravo, AC, giggles coming from the playroom, pantries/fridge filled with food, sisters who put up with my crazy, cottage cheese, not having to stress about money, my iPhone, friends who are family, doctors who I trust, thick hair, podcasts, being a stay at home Mom, sunglasses, clean clothes, safe food and water, the access to information that the Internet provides, social butterfly kids, parks, Kingston's patience, pillows, my daily planner, dresses, Cabernet, health insurance, coffee, a reliable vehicle, not being saddled with student loan debt, fake perky boobs, second chances, cute Internet animal videos that brighten my whole afternoon, DVR, nieces and nephews, a happy childhood, decent teeth, sparkly jewels, gyms with child care, Coke Zero, waking up with the ability to be a better Momma than I was yesterday
I'm having trouble staying motivated. I see the changes both in my body and in my run length and times. This is when it's supposed to be easy to stay motivated... But, for me, it's not. I'm getting bored now that I'm not training for the half marathon.
Weight loss total? Zero pounds. Oh well.
I didn't run for a week after last Tuesday's hard outdoor run that helped me complete my 60 mile goal for August. I didn't mean to take a whole week off but I did. My goal for September is going to be 60 miles again. Running 60 miles in a month is a lot and it's enough.
I got a good run in yesterday. I flaked on my Tuesday morning running group and headed into the gym for my long run because the heat/humidity would have made it impossible to get a real run in. I was really struggling to stay motivated and had one of those runs that went like this...
"Just get three miles in. Don't be a lazy loser"
"You're almost at three. Keep it up"
"Ok, fine. Do four. Might as well"
"Four and a half is better than four. Go a little faster"
"Forget it. Just go to five. Go!"
"If you're here, you might as well do six! Ok, never mind. Just run past six and do sixty minutes"
"Feel the endorphins. Woo hoo! Lets go to seven!"
"I could run forever! I love life! I'm awesome! Wee!"
"I need to stop and get the kids out of the daycare before they come hunt me down"
So, it was 7 miles in 66 minutes. And it was awesome and I need to keep going even though I've lost my motivation to run.
When you lose your motivation to keep working out, where do you turn? Pinterest quotes? The gym? Do you take time off?