Screened in porch

8.31.2011

One difference between the west coast and east coast. The west coast doesn't have screened in porches. Here I am sitting on my sweet little patio enjoying a quiet glass of wine (out of a coffee cup since I haven't unpacked any wine glasses yet- bring back memories Sarah and P?) wondering why the porches are screened in, when all of a sudden a large bird or maybe bat or possibly a humungous alien-like moth hits the screen at full force making a loud buzzing sound. It sounded really angry that it couldn't get in. Thank gosh for screened porches. I think this place is going to take some getting used to.

Ps- I know this picture really sucks.

Move in- day 1

I dont have the energy to write a wordy post about our move- in today. Short version: 95 degree weather, 90% humidity, outside with a 16 month old from 8:30am - 4:30pm by myself. I was trying to manage the movers and keep Eva entrrtained. Long day. I have a lot of organizing to do but the bulk is moved in and in its correct place. Now Eva is asleep and Brian is out buying a shower curtain, some shampoo/body wash, and milk so we can get through the morning.

Because I don't have the energy to be interesting tonight, here is Eva. What is cuter than a baby bare butt and hats? Nothing.

Moving forward

8.30.2011

This picture was taken this past weekend at my Grandma's 77th birthday brunch. We went to the TAP's restaurant in Corona. The brunch is amazing. The company was better.

Eva and I successfully made our trek to Florida. We signed a lease at our new apartment and got settled in a hotel for the night. I will manage our movers tomorrow as they unpack all of our belongings into the apartment. It is bitter sweet. I am excited and ready to live with B but I feel the hole that is left by leaving the rest of my family.

FML... Really?!?

8.29.2011

Rant:
It drives me crazy when people post "FML because blah blah" on facebook.  Really?!  F your life because you're sitting in too much traffic, you're late for your interview, you got in a fender bender, you ripped your dress, or whatever other random minor set- back?  Really?!  Is that how simple and easy your life is?  You have so few problems in your life (and so little perspective) that a minor, normal, day- to- day issue causes you to publicly announce F your life?


Every time someone posts FML, I want to comment, "Wow, you are really lucky that you're life is so easy and perfect that something this trivial leads you to declare FML." 

Anyways, I am done ranting.  Back to concentrating on being positive.  Oh and packing up my life because I am moving to Florida tomorrow.  I already mailed a 55 pound box at Fed Ex this morning.  I have two 50 pound suitcases to go with me tomorrow along with my little carry on suitcase, a ginormous carry on bag/ diaper bag, and a stroller.  Even with all of that, I still have to leave a lot of stuff behind.  FML.   (j/k)



Bar nights

8.28.2011

Last night I did something that I never do... I went OUT!  I put Eva down to bed and my sister stayed home with her.  I went to downtown Fullerton to the bars with one of my all time besties.  I love spending time with her and we had a great time but I realized one very important fact... I am old.  I am pretty sure we were the oldest girls in any of the bars that we went in to.  We were the old broads in the bar complaining about how strong the drinks are (since when did they start making them so strong?!) and wishing that the music was quieter and the bars were less crowded.  I was the old lady leaving her (almost) full drink by the door as she left to go to the next bar instead of chugging it down on the way out.  After spending a sweaty night wandering around the bars, this morning I am thankful for my life.  I am thankful that I am a wife and a mother.  I am thankful that my life is not one that usually includes wandering around dark, loud, sweaty, stinky bars.  

8.27.2011

Molars and love

8.26.2011

Eva ia getting a molar. She has had a 101-102 temperature for two days. I have been pumping her full of Tylenol but she just doesn't feel good. She has been clingy and whiny and short- tempered. It has been kind of sweet, though, because she has been so cuddly and lovable- when she's not whining or crying.

I feel so lucky to have Eva. She dances with reckless abandon, giggles uncontrollably, is obsessed with animals, and is often too loud. She also is often short- tempered and usually has a strong opinion about most things. She is so smart and funny. I genuinely like the little person that she is growing into. She drives me crazy sometimes but I don't expect that to end. Ever. Moms and daughters drive each other crazy sometimes. But there is no greater love. Nothing compares.

8.25.2011

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?"
Marilyn Monroe

I am raising an animal lover

8.24.2011





I am so thankful that Eva is growing up around 2 large, patient dogs.  She loves them deeply.  Her favorite and most frequently used word is and has been "puppy".  If she even hears the jingle of a collar, she squeals, "puppy!" in jubilation.  She hugs them and showers them with kisses.  I should also note that she sits on their rib cage like it is a couch and rides them like a pony.  They put up with her because she shares all of her snacks with them... one for Eva, one for Kingston and Max.
Her newest obsession is birds.  We have wild parrots in Fullerton and they hang around a lot in the trees in my parents back yard.  When she hears them squawk, she points up to the sky (well, the ceiling usually) and excitedly squeals "bird!".  The parrots were right in our backyard this morning again so I pulled a short little chest over to the window so she could climb up on the chest to look out of the window and point and yell at the birds.  I am so happy that she is growing into an animal lover.  I am happy to foster this animal obsession in her. 


I found some perspective

8.23.2011

I taught a class at an HIV/AIDS's home last night.  It is the first time that I have worked with this population.  I am almost embarrassed to admit that I have never (knowingly) met anyone who has HIV or AID's.  I had a friend in high school who's parents died of AID's before she moved to our school but that is the closest that I have come to being personally touched by the disease.  The guys in my large class were funny, sweet, talkative, interactive and thoughtful.

As I was driving home, I was deeply struck by two thoughts.  One thought is that we need to be gentler on each other.  We never know the road that the other person is traveling.  All of these men looked "normal".  You would never know that they already contracted a virus will most likely kill them and needs to be constantly managed by medications.  The stigma surrounding the HIV/AID's virus is still very real and very strong and affects most aspects of every part of their every day life.  It was such a reminder to me to always try to treat others with grace and respect because even if they are rude or nasty or annoying, there might be some heavy reasoning behind it that I don't know and will probably never find out.  Just because the person looks like everybody else on the outside doesn't mean that they aren't terrified and bitter about contracting this horrible disease or that their parent just passed away after a horrible battle wih cancer.  Treat people with grace. 

The other thought that weighed heavy on me is that things can always be worse.  I genuinely try my very hardest not to wallow in my sadness, grief, or anger about my Mom's death but sometimes I get caught up in the "it's just not fair" circle of thought.  Spending time with the men in this AID's home reminded me that things can always be worse.  Even when things are tough, there are lots and lots of people struggling with more difficult problems than mine.  Not that being diagnosed with HIV is the worst possible scenario in the world but it certainly harder than most of the problems that we are faced with on a daily basis. 

Anyways, I am really enjoying running group "lifestyle education" classes.  I gain confidence in my abilities with each class that I run.  I feel like I learn as much as the participants during each class.  I will miss what I am doing when I move to Florida next week.    



8.22.2011

Facials

I spent an amazing afternoon at the Glen Ivy Brea Spa yesterday. I got a 50 minute massage and a 50 minute facial. I haven't gone to the day spa in months. It was such a nice treat. My youngest sister went with me. It was nice to spoil ourselves together.

I am going to try to start getting a facial once a month. It is important to take care of your skin. My skin is one of the things that I let fall to the wayside in the midst of the craziness of the last 2 years. In San Diego, I got a facial every 3 weeks with hardly any exceptions. It is time that I start to take care of myself again.

Fall 2011 Wearable Trends

8.20.2011

According to Glamour Magazine, there are a couple very wearable trends from designers Fall 2011 runway shows.  While there are many trends that I will not be partaking in (I just cannot jump on the camo- inspired fabric bandwagon), I am loving some of the upcoming trends; especially if we are going to be living on the frigid East Coast.
Peplum blazer, vest, and coat
1. Colors: Mustard, rust, and jade colored coats, tops, and dresses.  I love fall colors.  I will wear mustard and rust will absolutely no hesitation. 

2. Peplum coats and blazers: I like that these coats accentuate the womanly figure.  Because they are cut in at the waist, they highlight a small waist while allowing room at the hips with an exaggerated pouf.

Trends that I don't think that I will be following:
1.  Choker necklaces.  I remember wearing choker necklaces in the 90's and I don't think that I am ready to revisit that trend.  I am a mom and a wife, not a dog or S & M weirdo. 

2. Maxi skirts with sweaters- I am 5'1.  If I wore a loose, flowing maxi skirt with a "cozy" sweater, I would look like a homeless person wearing her grandma's clothes. 

Elle and Glamour both predict that polka dots will be popular. The dots that they are reffering to are not the small pin hole dots that were out this summer but more pronounced, larger dots.   I won't be wearing head to toe polka dots but I am not opposed to dots in moderation. I think overdoing polka dots can make a woman look like an eight year old but a dotted blouse or purse would be cute.

I have NEVER lived in cold weather.  I grew up in Orange County, CA, went to college and spent my mid- twenties in San Diego, CA and spent my late twenties in Honolulu, HI.  I wear cotton sundresses, tank tops, jeans, wedges, tube tops, and occasionally yoga pants with matching sweatshirts.  It is hard for me to imagine wearing sweaters, coats, and layers but most likely, that will be my reality starting in November.  Change is good.  Repeat.  Change is good....

8.19.2011

I am back home at my Parents house after spending a couple very nice days with my friend and her family. It was really nice to get spoiled for a few days. I came back more tired than I left thanks to late nights chatting over a bottle of wine and a pound or two heavier thanks to home cooked meals but with a clearer mind and happier soul. I was able to stop in Fresno on my drive back down south and spend a few hours with one of my other favorite friends. She sent me home with some hand me down tops from the small clothing boutique that she calls her closet. It was a great trip overall and I am glad that I did it. 

Eva surprised me with  her good attitude both on the drive and during the trip.  She barely complained about sleeping in the pack and play in the new bedroom.  15.5 months is showing to be a good, easy stage in her development.  She is generally easy and happy right now.  She is eager to learn, talk, and interact. 

Next stop is Pensacola, Florida. I need to buy my ticket today to be there by August 30. Moving back in with my husband. It is kind of strange to imagine not being around my family all the time anymore but I need to put my little family back together. I want my "normal" to be living together as opposed to living a continent apart.

Oh baby!

8.17.2011

Photo from Eva's birth 4/30/2010

I am going to be an Auntie again in the next couple hours. I don't want to put too much pressure on this little baby but she has a heavy burden to carry considering that my mom passed only a few short weeks ago. I imagine that her very presence is going to help the entire family by bringing some joy, noise, and plain ole cuteness into the family. I hope she brings a bit more lightness to our family. Maybe she will stir things up just enough to help place the bandage over this terrible wound. Yay for babies! Yay that it's not mine. Its much less stressful being an Auntie :)

8.16.2011

Eva and I left last night to do the 5 hour drive up to Merced, Ca in the central valley to visit our best friends from Hawaii (and San Diego). The drive went well. Eva slept mostly the whole way and there wasn't much traffic. While the girls napped and got babysat by her Mom, we got mani/pedi's with a hot stone leg massage. We are leaving to take the girls swimming in a few minutes followed by a BBQ at her in laws this evening. Perfection.

When are you having another?

8.14.2011

It seems that once your baby turns one, people automatically think that you should be working on the second one.  I get asked a lot about when we are giving Eva a sibling.  I might get asked more often than other people because my sister who's baby is almost exactly the same age as Eva is about to deliver her second baby.  People see her having her second baby and then wonder when I am going to get started on mine. 

The thing is, B and I are not sure about having another.  Eva was a very challenging baby.  She cried a lot.  It wasn't a whole lot of fun for quite a few months.  Mom's aren't supposed to say that but it is true.  It was not a lot of fun being her parent for the first couple months.  Also, children are expensive.  It seems a lot more feasible to take a trip to Europe or a vacation to the Bahamas when you only have one child as opposed to two or more.  If she is our only child, we will be able to offer her many more tangible things than if we were splitting our money across multiple children.  B would be able to have more toys and I would be able to shop more at Nordstroms and less at Ross.  Additionally, there is a certain sense of freedom that having only one child offers.  More money, fewer schedules, fewer responsibilities.   

I struggle with imagining Eva being an only child.  I ask every only child that I run into whether or not they wish their parents gave them a sibling.  With only one exception (Hi SM!), every single only child adult that I have asked (at least 5) said yes, they wish they had a sibling when they were growing up.  They all say that as children, they wished they had someone to play with.  Also, there is a reason that there is a persistent stereotype about only children being self- centered and spoiled.  While of course, not every single child that grew up without siblings is a selfish person; there are always exceptions to every rule.  That does not negate the fact that that rule exists.

Over the past few months, my sisters and I have often discussed how thankful we are that there are four of us to share in this journey that we had to take with my Mothers illness.  It was such a difficult situation and we often mused about how much MORE terrible it would have been if we didn't have each other to lean on and rely on and share with.  When my Mom passed, I took on the responsibility of meeting with the funeral director, picking her plot, and making the arrangements for her burial.  One of my sisters sat at my side helping me make these decisions.  She gave me the confidence to make final choices.  Two of my other sisters planned the entire memorial celebration at the church, wrote the program for the ceremony, and planned and executed the reception.  One of my other sisters scanned dozens of old photos and made a beautiful slide show of her life.  One of the girls poured over her Bible finding verses that fit my Mom and felt appropriate for our service.  One of the girls ordered my Moms casket online (Side note- we saved my dad $500 by ordering the casket online.  It took 5 minutes and it was delivered directly to the funeral home in one day.  Never buy the casket from the funeral home.  Price gouging at it's worst).  I did not spend more than 5 minutes of my time thinking about any of those details.  It would have been so much more overwhelming to have to plan each one of those things.  Having three sisters to share in the physical and emotional burden of the tragedy was a blessing that was not lost on us.  I think we all realized, most of us for the first time, how thankful we are to come from a large family. 

All of these things considered, we will probably have another baby in a few years.  I want to wait until Eva is two or three or four.  I can't imagine feeling ready for another baby at this point in my life but I think in a few years, the timing will feel better.  Hopefully B forgets about all of Eva's infant crying by then :)





8.13.2011

Confidence... thrives on honesty, on honor, on the sacredness of obligations, on faithful protection and on unselfish performance. Without them it cannot live.
Franklin D. Roosevelt

Chatting at the park

A day at the Fullerton Arboretum.  Eva is 15 months old.  She decided a couple days ago that she was finished with the whole "not talking thing".  She has been talking non-stop ever since.  She is stringing words together ("up please", "thank you").  She still babbles and still needs a lot of prompting ("whats that?") but the new found drive to make herself known verbally is fun. 


Jackie Evancho - Time to Say Goodbye

8.12.2011

My Moms song...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qecULT01iE (singing from 1:06- 3:59). 

Jackie Evancho is amazing.  She is so young and sweet looking.  It is so weird to see that huge voice coming out of such a little girl.   

Back to the gym



I am trying to get back into the gym.  It is hard to get back into the groove once you break the routine.  Because I am still healing from my surgery, I can't do strenuous exercise (running) or any upper body exercise.  I spent 45 minutes on the bike (BORING) and then did a bit on the leg machines.  I hardly broke a sweat and certainly did not get my normal "runners high".  Ehh.  I guess it is still important to get some exercise, though, even if it doesn't feel as good as it used to. 

Dreaming of no diapers

8.11.2011

Getting comfy on the potty
I do not want to change diapers anymore.  I know that at only 15 months, Eva is not ready to be out of diapers yet, but I dream of the day, none the less.  Toddlers can be ready for potty training any time from 18-24 months but many kids are not ready until 2.5-3.5 years of age (30 months-36 months).  I am really hoping Eva is on the 18 month end and not the 36 month end...

Potty Training Readiness Checklist
* Hold urine for a few hours (stays dry through naps)
* Sit down quietly in one place for 2-5 minutes
* Follow simple directions
* Can pull diaper up and down
* Grunts, hides, squats, etc when making a bowel movement
* Shows interest in other people's bathroom activities and panties
* Bowel movements are regular and predictable


American Academy of Pediatrics http://www.aap.org/publiced/BR_ToiletTrain.htm
Mayo Clinic http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/potty-training/CC00060

Daily giggle: Welcome to So Cal

8.10.2011

This is how you know you live in Southern California.  Here is the title of the email from Groupon today for Orange County.  "Up to 64% Off Circus Training Classes"

 
"The Aerial Classroom’s acrobatic staff enables students to climb, spin, and contort themselves in high-flying circus classes. Bordered by a limb-loosening warm-up and core-strengthening cool down, pupils swing through basic tempos and tricks during the static trapeze class or learn to chase cats up the drapes with basic climbing and posing techniques on silken material in the aerial tissu class."

I really doubt this workout idea would fly in 99% of this country.  In Southern California, people eat it up.  Everyone is looking for a new way to stay skinny, spend their spare time, and be hip and innovative.  I smile imagining a bunch of grown women trying to swing around on a trapeze.  :)

8.09.2011

"You're going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it's always their actions you should judge them by. It's actions, not words, that matter."
-Nicholas Sparks

Moving on- Day 1

8.08.2011

Bye Bye Daddy lunch
Brian left tonight to begin his trip back to Florida.  I am glad that he is going back to get back into his class so that we can get new orders at some point and have a home of our own again sooner than later.  I am anxious to live with him again and start some semblance of a normal life for Brian, Eva, and me.  I am so grateful to have been able to be here to take care of my mom over these past 7 months but now I feel very pulled to have my little family back together.  I know that I will be "leaving" my dad and a lot of sadness, paperwork, and junk in my wake but I still want to be back together with my family.  Unfortunately, I think that I will be staying here until Brian is done with school (mid- end of October) because the logistics of finding an apartment that is month to month, furnished, will allow us to stay only 2 months, and is dog friendly to a 90 pound boxer is fairly difficult. 

Now that Brian is gone and I feel competent to be a Mom to Eva again, I am quite aware that we have NO schedule left.  My baby who used to eat anything put in front of her and who would take her two naps and 7:30pm bedtime with nothing more than a binkie and a quick kiss on the forehead is gone.  She is refusing to take any naps, has stopped eating almost entirely, and her favorite thing to do is shake her head no and push our hands away when we offer her things.  I think we are going to spend the next day or two fighting about naps and getting back on a more predictable schedule.  I am going to have to stop offering her cookies and strawberry flavored Ensure drinks in a BOTTLE (which really shouldn't matter to her since she is refusing both 99% of the time).  I am going to have to go back to being a Mom.  And I am ready.  I miss being a Mom to my baby.  Life has to move on. 

My moms story

8.07.2011


Kimberly Ann Guth was born on February 27, 1955 in Chicago, the second child of Evelyn and Robert Arthofer. She grew up with 3 sisters, Laura, Sue, and Karen, and 2 brothers, Bob and Kurt, in a suburb of Chicago called Hoffman Estates.

Kim had a generous spirit even as a young child, giving selflessly and caring for her younger siblings. Her sister Sue fondly remembers that Kim would walk her siblings to the store to each buy a candy bar, and share hers with them instead of enjoying it herself. Kim’s love of sewing began at a young age as well, and as a teen, she once sewed her mom an evening gown for her parent’s anniversary and surprised them with tickets to a dinner show.

In high school, Kim met her sweetheart and future husband, Jim. Jim was friends with Kim’s brothers, and Grandma Arthofer loves to recount the stories of how it took her a while to figure out that Jim was starting to drop by the house in hopes of visiting with Kim instead of her brothers! Their first official date was to a local mountain to ski, and Kim trusted Jim to take her to the top of the mountain. Unfortunately she fell and ended up with a compound fracture in her leg and ended up needing a cast up to her hip! Even still, their romance bloomed and Dad took Mom to the junior prom and they soon became inseparable- even today, their car license plate reads “JimKim1”.

After high school, Jim attended Notre Dame and Kim went to nursing school in Indiana, remaining sweethearts throughout. They married in a free spirited wedding at Notre Dame Cathedral in May 1976. Kim wore a flowing white linen dress and a white floppy hat and they danced to Peter Frampton’s “Do You Feel Like I Do”.

Shortly after marrying, Jim and Kim packed up their run-down Ford with their modest belongings and traveled across country to sunny California. Kim marveled at the warm winters and the plentiful fresh fruits and vegetables (especially avocados!) and she would become a lifelong lover of gardening.

Kim continued with her nursing career in California, working in Labor & Delivery at University California, Irvine and finding a lifelong passion in caring for newborns and mothers. She trained as a midwife and believed deeply in her mission of helping mothers achieve natural childbirth, opening a home birth practice in Santa Ana and delivering hundreds of babies throughout Orange County.

Kim had four babies of her own, all girls….Jennifer was born in 1980, Jamie was born in 1982, Susan in 1985, and Christine in 1988. Kim was a natural mother who deeply loved each of her daughters. She was the type of mother who always seemed to have a baby on one hip while happily cooking and talking to the others in the kitchen. Her children and assorted neighbors and friends would gather at the house with an “open door policy”, and she always welcomed everyone for swim parties, slumber parties, and trips to the stable to visit ‘the horse’.

Kim taught her daughters through actions, and it was evident that her family was most important. She lovingly cared for her mother through breast cancer surgery and treatment. She hosted every holiday at her home with warmth and a casual hospitality. She danced joyfully in her slippers at her daughter Susan’s backyard wedding, she welcomed her son-in-laws Brian, Gary, and Daniel into the family with open arms, and she rejoiced in her youngest daughter Christy’s recent college graduation.

Kim wasn’t afraid to make her opinions known and get involved in causes she believed in. In 1996 she campaigned for, and won, a seat on the Fullerton School Board. She also was involved with the Orange County Republican Party and enjoyed lively debates about both local and national politics.

As her children grew older and more independent, Kim returned to her love of nursing. She completed her Masters in Nursing at CSUF in 2004. She excelled in her program and was the founding President the CSUF Nursing Honor Society. In 2007 she traveled to Morocco with fellow nurses to help train maternity nurses. Beginning in __, Kim began working in the St. Joseph Mother-Baby Assessment Center. She loved her work and it was a great source of joy and pride for her.

Kim’s expertise of all things baby-related became very useful in 2010, when her granddaughters were born. Eva (daughter of Jamie and Brian) and Juliet (daughter of Jennifer and Gary) were born just 3 weeks apart, and Kim flew between Honolulu and Seattle to make sure she was present for both births. She taught her daughters how to be mothers, helping them through labor and gently showing them how to nurse their newborns. Kim delighted in her granddaughters and we are blessed in having her as a model of what a mother should be.

Kim was the center and soul of our family and our grief at her passing feels endlessly deep. Our solace is in knowing that she had an unwavering faithfulness in God’s promise, and that she is resting in the arms of her Creator. We love you, Kim- beloved wife, mom, daughter, sister, and friend.

Hibernating

I havent left the house since the memorial reception. Ive spent the last 2 days locked in the house with a very sick baby. Her temperature went up to 104 even on Tylenol. Brian's best friend has been here with us. Tv, movies, in and out, naps, junk food and mimosas. She has just needed to be held and cuddled. My dad wanders in and out of the living room. Sometimes wanting to hang out with us, sometimes not. Things are kind of strange. Its weird that she is really gone. Brian leaves to go back to school in Florida on Tuesday. I am not looking forward to being by myself when he leaves. He wants us to move out to FL right away. I am not sure what the best timing would be. There is a lot to do here at te house before I go. My dad wants most of my moms stuff gone. That feels like a daunting task. And one that, quite frankly, I am not ready to start.

Memorial day

8.05.2011

Today is the burial and memorial. I didn't want to wake up. I certainly didn't want to get up out of bed. I feel no desire to get ready or do any of this today. I started crying in the shower just imagining everybody talking about my Mom. I don't want to cry in front of everybody but I REALLY don't want to have to smile and put on my best hostess face. I don't want to do any of this.

Business as usual

Here is my daughter.  Dirty.  Filthy.  Running around outside, enjoying herself.  This is after her afternoon bath.  She has been playing outside a lot lately.  It gives me a break.  It is how her Dad plays with her.  As far as she is concerned, life is normal.  She has no idea the grief that we are all facing and dealing with losing my Mom.  She has no idea the stress and anxiety and pain that we are feeling with thinking about buring and then remembering my Mom tomorrow.  It is good, I guess.   

Dress

8.04.2011

How do you pick a dress for your Mother's funeral/memorial? 

I am trying to find something that is conservative but young.  I don't want it to be sexy or flashy.  The fact that my new tatties are still up to my collar bones doesn't help.  I don't want to wear black.  I picked a dress from Macy's.  I have gotten the strong approval from 2 sisters, Dad, Grandma, and Brian but I am still worried about my dress.  I am just worried it is wrong. 

Two of my sisters got pedicures today.  One is getting tanned tomorrow.  Another bought a dress this afternoon.  The other shoes last night.  Now I am getting stressed.  Do I need to go tan?  Get eyelashes?  New shoes?  Get my hair done in the morning?  Should I wear nail polish on my fingers or is that too flashy?

I am not trying to be vain and ridiculous but like one of my sister told me today, there are going to be a lot of people looking at us on Friday.  Watching and wondering.  I guess I just want to look good.  Healthy.  OK. 

Oh, and finding a black or gray dress for a 18 month old is impossible.  Impossible.  There is nothing.  I want my daughter to look appropriate and nice too.

I might be possibly displacing the stress from the funeral/ memorial onto a less threatening and painful situation (ie- myself, my looks, my dress).... not sure.... ;)

Wishing I was sleeping.

8.03.2011

Today I have nothing to do. No appointments. No one is expecting me to be at any particular place today. I wish I could just stay in bed. Not talk to anyone. Not have to pretend to be ok. Not have to repeat over and over that I know my Mom was a great woman and we are all going to miss her and that I know she is watching down on all of us from heaven and sometimes God's plan just doesn't make sense.

Toddlers do not allow their Mommies to stay in bed all day though so off to do this day, I go.

Its been a few days

8.02.2011

It has been a few days now.  I have been busy taking care of details.  There are a lot of details that need to be handled when someone dies.  I picked her grave site.  It isn't the one that I originally wanted (that place sold out years and years ago- no surprise, I guess) but it is nice.  I finished all the details at the graveyard place this morning.  I bought a dress for her funeral.  For the first time in my life, I was worried about the neck line of the dress. 

Side note, the "funeral director"/ mortician/ "certified embalmer" that I have been working with is a total trip.  I like him.  He made me comfortable throughout the process, has a weird sense of humor, and doesn't seem to judge me when I say super inappropriate things (which I tend to do- especially when I feel really uncomfortable).  We are on a first name basis at this point.  He is young, probably in his early thirties, and chooses to hang out with dead people and grieving families every day.  I don't get it.  He is not married and said the girls he dates are usually a bit "odd".  No surprise. 

Anyways, I miss MY MOM.  I don't miss the sick person that has been dying in the living room for the past few months.  I wish I could talk to my mom again.  My real mom.  Not my sick mom.

Memorial Information

A public memorial to honor my mom's life will be held this Friday, August 5th at 2:00 pm. The service will be at XX Christian Church to be followed immediately by a reception.

Everyone who knew and loved my Mom is welcome to help us remember and celebrate her life.

Finally peace. Broken Heart.

8.01.2011

Rest in Peace my sweet Mother. 
1955-2011
8:05pm
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