A grief post: 16 months


It's been a while since I wrote about my grief.  The truth is that things are "better" now than they have been since she died.  I don't cry every day- maybe only once a week.  A year ago, I didn't think that would ever be possible.  I am handling the pregnancy hormones OK as far as the grief is concerned.  I miss her.  I wish she could come back.  I wish I could turn back the hands of time and get just one more hug.  But, I don't feel desperate and I don't feel overwhelmed by sadness.

I dreamt of her last night.  She was rubbing my belly and giving me her look.  The side-ways glance that she so often gave me for being inappropriate.  I don't remember what I was telling her but it must have been crass and silly.  When I woke up, I bawled.  I wish she was around to talk to.  She was so practical and knowledgeable (she had a Masters degree in nursing, was a certified midwife, and lactation consultant).  She was an anti-alarmist.  I wish I could hear her thoughts on my pregnancy concerns.  It seems like every appointment I go to, I find out another alarming fact about this pregnancy and this baby.  I need her around to wade through the bullshit to tell me if my baby and I are going to be ok.

Do people ever grow out of needing a Mom?  I don't know.  My guess is no.  I can say with certainty that I am not done needing a Mom even though she's dead.

**I wrote this post yesterday and have cried half a dozen times today so maybe hormones + rough pregnancy + grief + holidays is actually going to be more challenging than I hoped**

Grief at 

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