It has been almost exactly 18 months since my Mom died of brain cancer. Since she passed, I have visited California three times. I finally went to visit her on this most recent trip.
I wanted to see my Mom on those other trips and even in the month that I stayed in California after the funeral. I wanted to see the headstone that I designed. I wanted to make sure her little space was clean and well-kept. I wanted to feel what it was like to sit with her (buried) body.
...I just couldn't.
I knew that I had to visit her this trip. It was time. I regretted not going when I was home last time. I tried everything in my power to be "too busy" to stop by the cemetery and used every excuse imaginable not to make it over there again this time but I knew the time had come. I needed to go sit with my Mom.
I knew that I would cry. I am a crier by nature and the pregnancy hormones intensify everything. Tears began to fall as soon as I forced myself to turn onto the cemetery's street. As I parked in front of her final resting place and got out of the car, I began to weep as I couldn't remember exactly where her little spot was. I picked that little space for her body to be buried. I should KNOW where my Mom is; but I didn't. It took me a minute or so to find her spot and her little grave stone. I fell to my knees and wept on her stone.
I rubbed the words inscribed on her stone and sobbed as I thought about how special she was. I wept for my grief but even more so, I wept for her. She has missed so much already. She should be here to celebrate these lives that she created. She should be here. Alive. Not dead.
Oh sweet girl, my heart aches for you reading this post. You should know that your mom is up there watching down on you everyday. XOXO
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks reading your pain in this post. I hope you found peace in the quiet moments visiting where you laid your mom to rest. You are such a strong woman...hugs!
ReplyDeleteSo so sad. Makes me feel like I should be at home with my mom rather than off exploring with my Marine husband. I couldn't imagine.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you. My heart hurts for you. Grief is such and evil monster that suffocates and strangles us. Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair. Sending love.
ReplyDeleteGrief is so hard. Thinking of you and glad you were able to visit her.
ReplyDeleteOh sweet friend, my heart hurts for you right now. I've sobbed at my grandmothers grave stone many a time and it never gets easier. I can't compare that pain to yours though, I can't even imagine.
ReplyDeleteSending you a warm hug, kind thoughts, prayers, grace and peace today!
I am so sorry to hear about your mom. My heart goes out to you! Sending hugs!
ReplyDelete-Sharon
The Tiny Heart
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aww Jamie! I hope that this was in some way healing for you to make this trip. I'm sure it was incredibly hard though. Hugs & prayers to you! XOXO
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. My heart aches for you.
ReplyDeleteIt's so sad. I'm really very sorry for you and I'm sure your mum will be always next to you
ReplyDeleteKisses
Aga
How to have beautiful shiny hair!
www.agasuitcase.com
You are so brave and have a wonderful way of thinking. Your mother is most definitely always with you. Thank you for making such a heartfelt post, I can't imagine it was easy but it was incredibly inspiring xo
ReplyDelete:( Hugs my dear friend!!
ReplyDeleteYou pulled on my heart strings in this post. I am both sad and happy for you. I am sad you lost your mother. I am happy that you have someone watching so closely over you and your grwoing family.
ReplyDeleteUntil my Husband's Mother passed, I had no one to communicate my thoughts too in heaven, and now I do. I asked her to give me the life of these 2 babies, and as silly as it may sound to some..I'm sure she put in a good word!
Hugs sweetie.
My heart breaks for you. Just know that your mom is always with you and your family. She may be gone, but her love isn't. Hugs my friend, you're not alone.
ReplyDeleteI can't even imagine. My mother had to bury her own mother when she was young and I was five years old. Over the years I have seen the kind of loss that it really is.
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you, Sending big *HUGS* your way.
xoxo
Lanaya
www.raising-reagan.com
Oh how I wish I had words that could bring you peace during this beyond difficult time.
ReplyDeleteI will be praying for you, dear. Bless your Mom and the incredible lives that she created here.
I am thinking of you. I know it is not easy to make that first visit. Sending a hug your way!
ReplyDeleteJamie, thank you for writing about your journey through your loss. It is hard!
ReplyDelete{HUGS}
My heart breaks everytime you mention your mom. I can't imagine even half the pain you deal with.
ReplyDeleteI imagine your pain as the dark and your mom as a star:
“When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
Awe girl this break my heart for you. You are SO strong and your Mom is just so proud of you, I know it. Hugs!!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, my heart aches for you :( ::HUGS::
ReplyDelete((HUG))
ReplyDeleteoh sweetie, i'm so sorry. i know exactly how that feels to finally head out to the cemetery. there's something very real about seeing that stone for the first time. it's a hard pill to swallow. i wrote about my experience here: http://mjanegarrett.blogspot.com/2011/03/31911.html
ReplyDelete(((((hugs)))))
What you did was so brave. Just remember that she will always be with you.
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches with you. I can't even imagine.
ReplyDeleteThis is so heartbreaking and sad. Life is so unfair, and my heart aches for you.
ReplyDeleteHUGS! Know my heart hurts for you. I am proud of you for sitting with your mom, knowing it was hard.
ReplyDeleteOh love, my heart just hurts for you reading the post. I know the pain will never go away, but you are doing so well at just moving forward. I'm so sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteI'm so, so sorry. I wish I had the right words. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI cant begin to imagine how you much feel or what you are going through but I had a lump in my throat and tears whelping up in my eyes while reading this. It gave me chills and I wanted nothing more than to come over there and give you a big hug and just hold you tight. I hope and pray that you are able to find peace and know that she may be gone physically but she is and will always be there for you in every step you take. Hang in there babe, lots and lots of hugs and love!!! I'm so glad you went.
ReplyDeleteI know sympathies don't fill the void of your mom...but truly, sending prayers of comfort and peace to you.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you. I'm so sorry. I could never imagine.
ReplyDeletemy heart aches for you. i really admire your honesty. i am so so sorry for your loss. sending love and prayers your way. <3<3<3
ReplyDeletemaria
It sucks. I miss her and I hate that she is missing so much. xoxo
ReplyDeleteIt sucks. I miss her and I hate that she is missing so much. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. We are going to my DH's gpa's grave tomorrow for his birthday. It'll be hard.
ReplyDeleteNew follower from Thumping Thursday.
http://musingsofamommabear.blogspot.com/
I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs <3
ReplyDelete{{HUGS}} I'm glad you went. You needed to do that, and now you will be able to go back in the future a little easier. The first time is always the hardest.
ReplyDelete